A Letter To My Past Depressed Self

 
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Things are going to be ok. You’re going to be ok.

I know you’re in a dark place, but this isn’t the end.

There is so much beauty in life that you’re going to discover.

It’s actually going to get worse before it gets better. But don’t fret; that’s the plan.

You may feel all alone, but you’re not. God is right beside you. He’s allowing all of this to prepare you for the purpose He has for you.

Don’t misunderstand, the darkness isn’t His fault. When you’re at your rock bottom, and you finally reach out for help, you’ll slowly see your part in the process.

Right now you’re angry. Angry at God, angry at everyone around you, angry at everything. You blame everybody around you. God, your husband, your life, even yourself for making the choices you did. But that’s normal. That’s a part of the process.

Despite the years of claiming and teaching God’s faithfulness and goodness, you realize you don’t trust God, because of many things He’s allowed you to experience. You’ll think that it’s His fault. And that somehow He’s not the good God He says He is. And if He had only taken care of you, you wouldn’t be so messed up. And you think He’s left you.

But soon you’ll remember that a fallen world wasn’t His original plan. And that in our brokenness, we were the ones who changed things - who separated ourselves from Him. We left Him, not the other way around.

And then you’ll pour yourself into understanding His Word. You’ll desperately want a new foundation on which to build your life, because the old foundation broke the moment the first real storm came.

It will be a few years before that new foundation is constructed, because you haven’t yet hit rock bottom. And that’s ok.

You agonize at what you’ve lost out on in life, because you haven’t been your own person. You despise the years of compliance and saying yes when you wanted to say no. You blame other people for your choices, because you thought you “had to” do this or that. You lament that you focused on pleasing other people instead of finding out what pleased God.

And soon you’ll finally see your part in the darkness. That living a life of anger, blame and finger-pointing will always produce anxiety, overwhelm and depression. And that it doesn’t matter the circumstances of your childhood and adolescence, you’re free to create whatever future you want. And it will be hard and it will take considerable effort.

You’ll slowly start to build trust in God. You’ll slowly start repairing your relationship with yourself. You’ll start to see yourself as valuable; not just for what others want and expect from you, but just because you exist. You’ll start to see that God is the good and trustworthy friend He’s claimed to be.

You’ll be pointed to resources for healing, because you’ll realize you’re the one who’s broken, not life. And from that responsibility, you’ll start making decisions that you’ve never made before. Not to worry. You’re becoming a new person, and that new person makes new decisions.

You’re going to find out who you are, and who you are not. You’re going to see what you’re responsible for, and what you’re not responsible for. You’re going to find your purpose, and it’s going to take your breath away.

You’re going to be terrified of not being accepted. That’s normal. But you’re also going to find security in the knowledge that what He’s called you to, He’s equipping you for. Living a life in service to help others with the struggles you’re currently facing. And you’ll wake up every day amazed that He would consider you perfect for such a task.

You’re going to start seeing the beauty in all the things you currently despise. The things that anger you now, you’re going to see as uniquely beautiful and preparatory for the next season of your life. You’ll be grateful for your past, and even your current depressed present. You’ll start to remember all the breathtaking beauty that comprised much of your past. The amazing relationships, the unique experiences, the incredible opportunities that you didn’t deserve but were still gracefully given. You’ll be amazed that you almost missed it all.

And you’ll make hard choices. Big decisions. And much of it will be uncomfortable. But it’s ok. You’re going to be right where you’re supposed to be.

This is not the end. It’s only the beginning of an extraordinary future. Keep your chin up and look for your miracle. It’s coming.